I just want to FEEL

Hey Jealousy

Mr. Casa had his specific rules and limitations with me, which were codes of conduct that “some men” follow by in Morocco.  Going out with men he does not know is off limits and I had to convince him that it was okay.  One Saturday night, I felt like it was time to give him some space and I let him hang out with his boys alone.  I went out for coffee with another “friend” Mr. Morgan.  He is 34, married, and the same height as Michael Jordan-one tall Moroccan.  We ended up going to Bodega, which this was my first time there and one of my best nights-I just felt so alive, so happy, I guess so in love.

Mr. Casa was texting me and asking where I was as I was suppose to meet up with him after his coffee. Again, I ran out into the night with Mo, his brother, and another fellow American girl, but I just wanted to socialize, make friends, and build my network, which is what I do.  And I have to admit it was worth it because I found a place with nice live music, expats and Moroccans, and I just loved it.  If I didn’t go out and explore, would I have found this place when Mr. Casa just goes to the same old spots each week?

The American girl left early because she was tired and pretty lame (another expat that just bores me).  It was just Mo, his brother, and myself and we had a great time-such a great time.  We had a table in the front in front of the DJ-the DJ was supposedly one of the best in Africa-and I felt it with those siccckk beats. 

Priscilla was enjoying herself and we all decided to continue our great time out somewhere else.  I texted Mr. Casa and invited him to come to Bodega and he appeared disinterested until he sent me a text and I said, “I’m busy dancing.” He immediately said, “I’m coming there.”

In fifteen minutes he showed up with that “look.” Oh my goooodness that look is absolutely identical to Mr. Bigg-those eyes full of disappointment that take hold over me. It makes me freeze in stand still. He looks really good and he is wearing "the shoes."  When we were watching “Crazy stupid Love” I told him that I loved the brown, dress shoes Ryan Gosling was wearing and he said he has the same pair.  The sight of those shoes on him made my heart melt.

Unfortuntely, his cute outfit and my cute outfit did not make a right.    We started  arguing about me going there and not advising him first. I never even called him my "boyfriend", but we just acted like we were in a relationship from the get go-perhaps this was the problem-too much too soon.  Even with his disappointment, he took me out our other place "Le Squat" where we enjoyed the night dancing and meeting up with his roommates-it was a good, good night.

This post is dedicated to the song: "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms

If You Don't Mean it Don't Say It

If there was one thing I would change about Morocco, it would be the sugar coating and talking.  They like to talk and talk and talk and make you feel good, but many do not deliver leaving you feeling empty.  One time with Mr. Casa, he did not make tagine and I was upset about it.  It was not about the tagine, it was this exact behavior “saying you will do something and not doing it.”

Side note: he made me a salad that night and tagine the next night. Thankfully he realized that I did not like this behavior and changed it-smart, insightful guy  

If you have nothing REAL to say, then SAY NOTHING AT ALL.  Selfish, rude, and mean at times-weaknesses I exhibit from time to time, but I am DIRECT and try my best to be an honest, real human being. I do not SAY THINGS THAT I DO NOT MEAN and I have been pretty direct since childhood-maybe too much.  If I do not like you, you know it and if I like you/love you I show it-of course there are shades of gray as well.

But in general, I do not tell people that they are hot, attractive, perfect, sweet, etc if I do not believe they are.   If I do not feel like I am interested, you will see this disinterest through my body language and I will speak the truth. If you ask me, “Do you like me?” I will of course soften the blow, but I will not say I like someone if I don’t.

I know you have good intention Moroccans, but please just KEEP IT REAL.... 

Green Card and Green Light

Having the label of a “foreigner” or “American” I do not necessarily like, but it is the reality of my being. I have traveled to many places, I am of mixed race, and I like to mold into the cultures. While I can say I’m Indian or Spanish-at the end of the day I’m American. The stamp “American” on my forehead may just give guys the green light for a green card.  While this has not happened to me, I hear about it and witness it with others.  It can happen to anyone of us because Arab’s play strong romantic cards-looks and charm you until your brain disappears. It is poor unfortunate, passive, naïve girls that really get taken to a shore like a fish caught from the water. The men may say the “love you” and they “can’t live without you.” But the reality is that Moroccan men may just like you to get out of their country, which is why I stick to dating the guys who have already been to the US, abroad, and are well traveled with special visas-this keeps me in the clear.

With those pathetic men that act like they care for someone and love them just to get a green card-it is quite sad, but I actually kind of sympathize with them. While Morocco is a fun experience, I would always wonder what is going on the other side of the world. While men should not put foreigner’s feelings at the expense of their curiosity and desire to make money, I do understand why they go to these measures to get out. 

What if I was trapped in Morocco with limited means of leaving the country? That would be challenging as being raised and living in the same country your whole life with no exploration can be boring.  I see why these men want to explore the outside.  I could not just stay here my whole entire life-it is beautiful and a great place, but it does not provide enough of the world in just one country. Morocco is wonderful, but it does not provide a melting pot experience like London, US, or Canada.

While the “green light” for “the green card” is not fully green-more like yellow. I am neutral to this topic of marrying and finding love for a green card. Sometimes one may find both without the intention-love and a green card to explore the opportunity and adventure of a new country.  Perhaps, both does exist in this crazy, beautiful world or perhaps there is room for believers yet realists like myself.

Friends or "Friends"

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an extroverted person who thrives off of new people and new experiences.  For me, I lived in Chicago where I had an amazing network of friends.  I lived in LA with an even better network of friends and leaving them was heartbreaking.  I lived in New York where I had good network of friends.   Each city I move into I build my own “social network.”  Now living in Casablanca, I would like to get myself connected with a nice group of friends.  Friends to go to dinner with, cook meals with, go to the movies, explore Morocco, go dancing, road trips, and just laugh and enjoy with. 

In Casablanca, I started off with this positive mentality, but then came to realize the truth. The girls seem to be really busy and it is difficult to meet with them.  The men are always available because they want to sleep with you.  While this not true with everyone, it just is the reality of the friendship between men and women. Naturally, if the men have an attraction towards the women this will be on their mind and in their intentions. Being a bit naïve to this reality and just wanting to have cool guys as my friends, I realize that this can not always be the case, especially in Morocco. 

Some “friends” have just come off as cool and nice and then they CHANGE on you.  I can see these suttle changes and in my head I say to myself, “Oh great” or “Here we go again.” I can tell through the body language and especially through the eye contact. The eyes are very strong and revealing on every human being.  

When he looks at me, I can tell if he wants to sleep with me.  This sounds awful, but is very true and unfortunately I have seen these eyes from many men.  One may think so what? Can’t you still “just be friends”? Yes, we can still be friends until the romantic signals become weird, awkward, and uncomfortable.  There are many guys that may have this intention, but we are still great friends.  It is the ones that make things weird and ruin the friendship with their romantic interest.

They only come out at Night

Being street smart, but a bit naïve at times I started seeing what was going on in Casablanca with the women. There are the “clean” women and the “unclean” women. The “unclean women” are the Muslims who drink, party, smoke, go out, and engage in sex.  They rebel against their religion and engage in behaviors that are frowned upon in the Muslim world.  But there are also what we call “working girls” aka “prostitutes.” These women are out on the prowl looking for a man to seduce and take home. They were seen in action one night at the Punjab club where they sat and stared at my friend (a group of three). Eventually, the bouncer caught on and kicked them out. 

Most “clean” Muslim women do not drink and smoke and do not come out after 8 or 9pm. The family is the focus of a Muslim woman’s life and even being single, women still practice these same disciplined behaviors.  Women such as my students do not dare to go out to night clubs with strange men and some of my students are in their 20s and have never even been to a bar or night club. 

While the good girls stay at home, the bad ones go out and the men obviously pick up on this leading them to be flirtatious.  The women that are out at night are showing to men that they are open minded, free, and against their religion.

It has come to the realization for me that I am one of those girls when I go out and perhaps that is why Mr. Casa keeps me on a leash. It is not about what I wear out as well, but it is just “going out at night” that is such a rebellious behavior for a woman in Casablanca (I say Casa because Marrakech is way more liberal).  In America, it is about how you dress that makes you look like a prostitute, but here there can be nice, normal looking girls that end up being prostitutes or hustlers trying to work on green cards. 

Moral to this Casa story: Stay inside with your boyfriend and avoid going out at night!

In Arabian Nights

         “In search of Morocco through its stories and story tellers”

This book was a true eye opening experience to the beauty of Morocco. The author, Tahir Shah, is one beautiful, living, and breathing human being.  His father was a writer who wrote Thousands of Stories about the Arabian nights of Morocco involving his experiences traveling throughout Morocco and over the border into other cities. The beloved cities he describes with his five senses: Marrakech, Casablanca, Fes, Chefchowen, and Tangier.  They come alive with his childhood experiences until his adult life.

 

The Jinns and Baraka

The Jinns are evil spirits that are mentioned in the Quaran.  The home of Tahrir had many jinns inside having different messages and meanings behind them.  While his wife was skeptical about these Jinns, Tahrir was certain that they existed and felt them through his intuitive, spiritual self. 

Baraka: A person, creature, or thing are blessed. The blessing runs so deep that it touches every cell, every atom, so that anything associated with that blessing extends to you

“Real is not about the highlights with which you dazzle your friends once you’re home. Its about the loneliness, the solitude, the evenings spent by yourself, pinning to be somewhere else.  Those are the moments of true value.  You feel half proud of them and half ashamed and you hold them to your heart.”

Morocco is full of stories and symbols, intelligence through real life knowledge gained, interpersonal experience that creates true learning. 

“The stories reflect our lives. The people in them walk a fine line between prosperity and disaster.  That’s the way it’s always been and that’s what makes us who we are.  In a single life a man can know wealth, poverty, thirst, and hunger, as well as satisfaction.  You may describe our lives as being like a rollercoaster up and down. We would say that they are full, that they are rich even though we may be poor.”

“Stories touch us even before we enter the world and they continue on to the next world.  They are in the dreams of unborn baby, in the kindergarten and school, in news, movies, in conversations and nightmares.  We tell each other stories through our waking hours and when our mouths are silent we are telling stories in the secrecy of our mind.  We can’t help but tell stories because they are a language to themselves.  

“From time to time, life sends you someone so unexpected that you wonder how you ever lived without them”