I Promise and the Code of Honor

What is fascinating in Morocco is not the food, the desert, the beach-it is the people.  This may not come as a surprise coming from a psychoanalyst who is interested in studying people in every culture, every day, and in every way. But this culture has something special going on that starts with the people.

First of all, Moroccans are known for having warm hearts, kind smiles, and being extremely hospitable.  If you read travel blogs, books, or ask travelers about their experience- the words that you hear are people “warm, hospitable, helpful, caring” experience “amazing, unforgettable, beautiful, breathtaking.” There is such beauty in the people, the scenery, the history, and a special divinity.  There is something heavenly going on here-spirituality is present amongst the nature throughout the country.  Divinity is present in the sky with incredible clouds and sunsets that leave you wondering what is really going on up above you.

Along with the wonderful elements of the country, there are positive and negative elements with the desire to give and help a person (foreigner).  While people can be amazingly good to you with an intention and desire to help, the following through with actions maybe cloudy at times.  It seems that people overextend themselves committing to things that can not complete, which would lead to a false promise.  Although, it is within their religion and code of honor to be a friend and help a person in need. For example, taking time to call apartments, help you look at apartments, translate, ensuring your basic needs are met (hunger, security (safety), and shelter), taking time from their work to help you, lending you something you need, welcoming you to their home, giving up their bed to you/their home. 

They are unintentionally targeting one of the most important organs we have: our heart.  When you touch the heart with your words, your heart is holding on waiting for the actions to come through.  From the beauty of Cognitive behavioral therapy-our feelings + thoughts =behavior, which means a person should act on their positive, thoughts and intentions in a positive way. When we look at a person’s body language (open, inviting, comforting, reassuring) this shows us that they care and want to help.

When a person then communicates their desire to help with such: passion, certainty, and care, we would assume that they are going to help you.  When the intention is there, it becomes easier for our behavior to follow.

Unfortunately, the actions are following about half the time in Morocco with a strong lack of delivery.  While there appears to be “real intention” and “desire” to help with words, the actions are not always coming through. It is quite fascinating for me to see people with such full expressions and they connect with my heart, but then they never follow through. Is there a “real” “altruistic” desire to help or is their an alterior motive?

For example, Omar, nice, sweet, funny, and kind mentioning to me “You can come to my family’s home for the Eid Sheep sacrifice.” “We will all go to Marrakech together.” “We will have the best time together.” “I will show you the local restaurants to enjoy cous cous.” When it came to the day of the actual Eid, he said that he was not going. In Morocco, everyone goes to their families house during Eid, especially someone like him who is very close to his family. I let this go and just wrote it off as disappointment #4.

On facebook, we would message each other and he would be extra enthusiastic with extra exclamations and caring words.  One day he asked me if I could find him girls for a sexual encounter and I said, “No.” After that point, there was no more nice friendly Omar, no more exclamations, friendly hellos, but just a distant jerk.

The culture is creating false promises and people fall into habit-conditioned to just keep talking to make you feel good, to prove they can take care of you.  Again, I emphasize these are my experiences and not all people are like this.  It is like icing a cake with so many layers. The Moroccans make it the sweetest, sweetest tasting cake, but when they do not give you any of the cake-you feel sad and disappointment.  Many people including Mr. Casa, his friends, his brother, my agent, my director- “ I will take you to Marrakech, I will help you find a bike.” “We will go to Tangier together, I will help you find students for English”  They take responsibility to help you and do things for you, but your life and enjoyment is not their responsibility.  Nobody believes everything they are told, but when you keep hearing the same promises over and over you stop believing them and you stop believing in people..

Another example, I’ll never forget this guy I met in the café. He sat and stared at me saying he could not drink or eat because my beauty.  He had to see me again and he took my number and never called me. Why do you have to put double layers of icing on the cake when it is already sweet enough? The point to stress is the layers and layers of icing, the words and words and words that are just fluff.

To conclude, the art of helping is integrated into the culture. While people have lives other than helping you, being busy, having family commitments, and stress are not the components creating the false promises. People are conditioned to respond with a desire to help, show you around, and be a friend, but the delivery depends on the quality of the people.  Good, honest people will come through for you. Opportunists may also deliver because they want something from you.  Liars will just keep dishing out false promises with sad people believing them.

Moral to Morocco: If you are not going to ACTUALIZE a statement, just don’t say it. It is a waste of time, breath, and you are negatively impacting newcomers in the meantime!