I'm Not in Love

I’m not in Love, It’s just Phase That I’m Going through........

Who wants to admit when they fall in love with the idea of love? It is quite an awkward situation to explain. “Well I had a boyfriend, but I am not quite sure I loved him or just loved the feeling of him.”

Who doesn’t love feeling affection, warmth, interest, passion, humor, adoration, intensity, to be touched, to be kissed, and cared about. These are things that human beings all want, which is what makes love such a popular thing.

If love is such a beautiful feeling, how do we separate between loving the being and loving the feeling?  With my recent break up, it did not feel like love until the end where I felt it all drop down onto my shoulders and heart like a ton of bricks.

The wound was much deeper because my support networks are down and I am in foreign place with a foreign man whom I thought to be my partner in Morocco-a friend, a lover, and a good man.  My emotions were heightened because I started off vulnerable and was wooed into a fairytale that just never happened.

While I ponder about the being and the feeling, it can be a close call to decipher between the two.  This man was wonderful and I kept messing things up.  This man was sweet and caring and I had an attitude or would have some problem or complaint. This was a dysfunctional relationship from the beginning and I admit I was not ready for a relationship in my state, but regardless I fell. 

There was no warning signs and I thought we would be friends, but the feeling of us felt so nice-too nice to just let go.  While I was the first one to discuss breaking up a couple times and actually said, “I’m finished” and abruptly hung up the phone, he did the breaking up before me.  I never actually meant my words, but I hurt him and gave him the belief that I would hurt him again.  He has too much pride to take the chance on us and had to break up with him first.  I lost a great guy and I absolutely know it and that is what bothers me.

Why don’t I hold onto the feeling of happiness rather than let it go fade away into the sunset? We all deserve “the feeling”, but we also deserve the “being.” Perhaps real love is when you experience both and this must be magnificent.