Day of Reconcilation

Having a difficult past couple days, I knew I had to stay strong and I had to turn to my higher power. I went to the church on Sunday, March 10 2012 as usual.  Walking in, I knew it would be a good service by the presence of a few special priests. From time to time these priests will come and it makes it a memorable and touching service-today especially “Wow did I feel God’s presence and spirit-incredible.”

My service is always in French and by now I know the common prayers and most of the French choire songs. When I walked into church that day, I thought to myself, “I need to have some face to face contact with a priest today.” I sat there staring so intently at the priests trying to make eye contact.  As the choire continued to sing, I then watched each priest disperse amongst the church.  It was the day of reconciliation where each person went up and made confession.  God had opened the doors for me beautifully to come up and speak, but I sat frozen in my seat. I did not see the English speaking priest,therefore, I felt nervous going up and speaking English.  I just watched them go up one by one. 

I had a few things to say, but most of all I just wanted the warm spirit of the priest to touch mine.  I wanted the priest to reassure me God is by my side, but God has already proven this time and time again.

Instead of standing up, I just sat and observed the priests and their kind interactions. Holding both hands of the person, leaning in close to hear them, smiling, and offering words with hope, beauty, and most importantly: forgiveness.  On this day, you start from a clean slate and receive forgiveness for your past sins. When people went up some had tears and others had looks of relief.  Looks of, “I feel a weight lifted from my spirit up into the sky.”

As I watched one by one go up, I just sat still in my seat and didn’t move. Inside my head, I said, “Go Priscilla. Go Up.” But I didn’t and I felt regret.  I felt like I needed to go up there, but I didn’t and I felt like I would cry. I did not want to sit and cry in front of the whole church so I held my tears and just sat quietly. 

After a few brief seconds, I hear screaming and shouting from a woman nearby.  It is abnormal screaming as if she is screaming for her life. She is shaking uncontrollably and screaming and men near by grab her legs and arms and remove her from the church. Her screams continue.  I stare at her miserable eyes, her tears running down her face, and I observe the faces of others disturbed and confused.  She is having a psychotic break right in front of me and I just sit and disbelief.  My mouth is wide open and my eyes are distant yet sitting so close. Of course, I had seen something like this before working with this population, but was this really happening? Right now and this very moment in this time? It was like a whole out of body experience after that point.

After that point, I felt a bit numb to what was happening and just sat listening to the French choire note by note tune by tune singing to myself.  We all stood together and held hands and the priest looked so beautiful standing together in front. At times, I could still hear her screams and I felt like running back their to comfort her, but I stood still.  I stood absolutely still and thanked my higher power for this service and this moment- a moment of sadness yet a realization of beauty and hope.